Welcome to The Shameless Mermaid! I suppose it's best to start with an introduction. My name is Grace. I am twenty-four years old and the mother of two. I have often toyed with the idea of blogging for awhile though I hadn't found the right subject matter. I was inspired today by a journal entry of mine from a couple years back. This isn't going to be easy for me. But it's time to be shameless.
At 7 months pregnant, and with my (almost) 3 year old son, I left my partner and moved into an apartment of my own. I had lived nearly four years in an abusive relationship. I want to tell you about that relationship, my journey throughout this past year living beyond it, and the discoveries yet to come. It is an extremely lonely place to be and if just one other person reads this, and knows they are not alone, writing my experiences will have been a worthwhile endeavor.
I have decided to share the journal entry that inspired me to start this blog. It feels like bricks sitting in my stomach when I read this but it clearly captures the confusion and pain that had become the sea in which I lived.
*deep breath* Here goes...
August 7, 2010
"Congratulations, you really are as pitiful as you want to be"
These parting words keep repeating in my head. They hurt. I don't know if I believe them. I do know saying I'm angry and leaving felt right and empowering. I do know those words were meant to bring me down. His words make me doubt myself, and following his words cancels out the possibility of reaching out to anyone else but myself. That is probably good. I want to call someone. But that would confuse the issue, that would be disempowering in a sense. I also suspect that kind of talk is abusive. That is why I am mad. That is why I responded to his 'You are the one I care about enough to be compassionate in my way towards, everyone else I leave alone' I said these reeked of ideology and the empty words of fanatics. Or the violent words of fanatics. If I allow his words to have power over me I doubt myself and feel isolated. This is hard. It feels like a brain game where every turn is a wrong one. The show on CBC was about sacrifice. They mentioned the sacrifice of raising children. This topic has been on my mind the last little while. I don't agree with a lot that they said or intoned about being a parent. But I feel a loss at what could have been, what I see others of my age doing, of a freedom I don't have. Sometimes I am not even free to walk around my own house as I please. I can feel resentment towards my family. But James has gone with my mother for his first overnight and it's hard. I miss him. It hurts to think I'd want to be anywhere but with him because he makes me happier than anything before, the best I could have imagined. But I feel a sadness of being immature. I am scared of the future and not having the warmth of a baby with me. It feels like these days are numbered and how will I have that joy in my life ever again? Perhaps these concerns are senseless, meaningless, useless, and maybe even untrue. I told Todd how I felt and as I talked I saw him grow stern, start doing something else. When I ended he said 'Just leave then, go do what it is that you want.' It was a harsh tone. I don't want to leave James, I love him. I just feel too young and small and immature. Sometimes I feel like it's not the best I could have done. This hurts. Part of me is saying this is silly and just hurtful to think about. It is not helpful. Like Todd said it will just be a whole life of misery. He said all I want is someone to commiserate with me, not be compassionate. He threw the Fountainhead in my direction. He says I keep dragging 'other people' into this. I had said that many people experience what I said I felt. I felt like he wasn't listening and trying to understand. I found it painful to be met with a stern face and angry tone. It makes me feel alone. It doesn't feel like I have a partner to parent with that will help support me when I find it hard to be a parent. Is that unfair? Am I trying to conform him and not accept his individuality? He said now he sees how I really am. Am I asking him to be responsible for me? I am also hurt about how today went. Today, with James gone, he was going to celebrate my birthday with me. He bought me an anklet I saw at a garage sale as my present. His only plan, that we made together, was to do drugs. Do I sound ungrateful? Is it justified or am I being a snob? For a week we have known we'd have this weekend together. I wanted to do something special that we don't do everyday. I wanted to take advantage of being alone for one of the first times. To feel independent, adventurous. I wanted too much. Not getting it makes me feel unimportant. Now we are apart. I feel worse. I can see how my own expectations made me miserable. I can see how my desire for something from another person hurt me. Part of me is railing though, it says I deserve to have had a present, that the things he said were hurtful and mean. When he said them I felt like I cannot live with this. I am so confused.
I am sitting by the river under a willow tree. There are lady ducks in the sunny water. It's really nice here.
Todd also said I don't want him I want a parrot.
I think he is right in what he says but I don't
think he should talk to me like that.
No, I don't think he's right but I wonder, ' Is that what my
actions and feeling mean?'
Do I just want to be like 'everyone else' and have him
be the same?
Is there a certain respect you should have for someone you love?
Am I ruining my life?
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