Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Journal Entry Deconstructed

I can remember the agony of the confusion that came during these fights. I am proud to look back and see I took some strong steps: I got angry, I communicated my feelings and I left the situation in that moment. I used to wish someone, anyone could witness one of these exchanges and help me sort out what had happened. I knew it wasn't right but I was also consumed in doubt. His words and ideas were so much a part of me, and hit so close to home. They triggered all my fears and insecurities. 

Now here's the reality of the follow-up. After I left our house, found myself at the river, fought back tears (or didn't), wrote and sat on my own, and the hours passed, I started to get hungry. Or I had to pee. Or I didn't have my purse. Whatever it was, it was time to go back home. I didn't know what else to do. I have been shaking with adrenaline from our exchange. The adrenaline and anxiety returns as I approach my house. I am worn out. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. The world seems cruel and I am not ready for more fighting. I don't know what to expect when I get there. Will he have locked me out? Will anything be broken? Will he still be angry? (These are all things I have returned to) And I am still angry. 

He may ignore me when I come in. He may have a dark look over him and glare at me. He may restart the fight and I may cry and ask him to stop. Or he may be a consoling ray of fucking sunshine. He may give me a hug, hand me a beer, roll us up a joint. He will tell me how he was wrong, how I had been right. And all I want at that point is exactly that, some comfort. I want, I need to, relax. I need some normalcy. 

This scene may not repeat itself for weeks, even months. But it will repeat eventually. 

Even though I was able to say in that journal entry that I believed his words were abusive, it took me until many months had passed after separating from him to truly be able to identify our relationship as an abusive one. The abuse was almost entirely verbal and emotional. It is insidious. It is hard to pinpoint. The cycle is astonishingly quick to fall into and takes work to get out of (even after leaving your abusive partner). 

ALL PHYSICAL ABUSE BEGINS WITH VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  

No comments:

Post a Comment